Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
