she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
