If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
just tell him i said nine months
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
