What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
