My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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