his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
