we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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