I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
