Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
two words...techno handjob
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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