At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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