HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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