I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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