Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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