Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
