i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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