My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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