Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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