At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
