I met the friendliest cop last night
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
His hands were made for my vagina.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
