You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
