i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
