K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
