someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
her vagine was all disorganized.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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