We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
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