I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
