Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Randomize
