I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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