He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
