Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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