I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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