I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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