my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
