this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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