i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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