My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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