is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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