I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
