If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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