I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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