omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize
