Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
