I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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