Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I want her autograph on my taint
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
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