Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
