There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
