Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
