don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
