Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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