So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
