Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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